If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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