Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Randomize
