He is such a slut. More and more my type.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
