this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
