Only a mothe r could love this liver
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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