my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
