Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
is that a dick in a sweater?
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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