If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
