I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
