just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I just cut my nipple shaving
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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