Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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