If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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