If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
