never play flip cup with pint glasses
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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