Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
