When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
