Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
