u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Randomize
