Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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