Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
