Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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