Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
