so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
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