people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
