not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
