you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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