When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
All the doctor said was why
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
