am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Randomize
