nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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