at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
