We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
