The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
