we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
