My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
