Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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