i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
