I'm sorry my penis didn't work
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize
