i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
