The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
