He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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