Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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