The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
