Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
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