I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
