Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
