no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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