i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
