i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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