FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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