no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Randomize
