got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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