i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
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