If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Drunk is not a location!
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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