i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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