apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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