This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
