That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
