Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
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my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
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I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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